Are you able to have no-strings intercourse with an ex?

Dear Roe: I’m nevertheless interested in my ex but I’m not hunting for a relationship

Dear Roe,

I’m a man that is 33-year-old I happened to be formerly with a female for 2 years inside our mid-20s. I moved away, but have recently moved back home after we broke up. My ex and I also have begun chatting over social media marketing and now we wound up on an organization particular date together because of some shared acquaintances. It is not too there clearly was flirting that is excessive such a thing tangible, but we got on great, there clearly was no awkwardness and We nevertheless find her attractive. I understand she’s single and I’m wondering because We don’t understand if she’s interested, but I ended up being thinking i will determine what i would like before ramping within the flirting etc. if maybe it’s feasible to begin a “no-strings-attached” situation with her? I’m still adjusting to being home and starting a unique task therefore I’m not searching for a relationship at this time, it is that feasible having an ex? (this will be all presently hypothetical)

To begin with, kudos on making the aware choice to work down your motivations before acting. All many times, individuals begin earnestly flirting with, and sometimes even earnestly pursuing, some body before realising they’re perhaps perhaps perhaps not emotionally prepared or interested, even though understandable and typical, this thoughtless kind of flirting can occasionally result in confusion or hurt feelings.

The news that is good that, for a lot of, intercourse by having an ex could be a confident experience, and a long way off through the psychological turmoil-fuelled catastrophe that numerous handwringing and melodramatic sitcom storylines will have you imagine.

Now – and take note that I stated for a lot of, not totally all individuals – as with many very good news, you can find caveats.

A study that is recent Stephanie Spielmann of Wayne State University and posted when you look at the Archives of Sexual Behaviour showed that many those who had intercourse by having an ex after having a breakup failed to feel distressed or depressed, nor did it hinder their data recovery through the relationship. Spielmann explains that the findings declare that “societal handwringing regarding wanting to have sexual intercourse by having an ex may possibly not be warranted,” and argues that people should concentrate our attention from the reasons people wish to have intercourse making use of their exes, as opposed to the action it self.

The causes for attempting to rest having an ex may have merit – having good sex after a break-up may be an easy method of closing the connection on a good note; having mediocre intercourse can demystify or prevent any idealising of a ex which help you recognise you’re not missing much (harsh but real); or it could simply simplify any lingering confusion and offer closing.

While that appears like a pass that is free sleep along with your exes, Spielmann’s research – as with any studies – needs to analysed to be really recognized. It inherently focuses on people who did not write off sex with an ex as in inconceivable or truly terrible idea not worthy of exploring as it explored the feelings of those who had slept with an ex. In addition it means that the participants’ exes had additionally weighed up the dangers or fast asleep together and deemed it an event worth trying, at the least. Therefore needless to say the end result are likely to skew more good than in cases where a random choice of exes had ignored their gut instincts and slept together when you look at the title of technology.

This means we need to examine your position, the causes you wish to have intercourse together with your ex, plus the risks that are possible.

You don’t enter factual statements about the break-up, that will be clearly likely to be a determining factor that is major. In the event that break-up had been complicated, or terrible for the ex, or with you, it’s far less likely that sex between you two will ever be truly casual if you left her when she was still utterly in love. Nevertheless, in the event that break-up ended up being fairly shared, determined by outside facets such you may well be in luck as you moving away, or just ended with a decent amount of shared respect for each other. The very fact as it’s more likely that you’ve both individually grown as people and achieved the emotional distance necessary to keep sex fairly uncomplicated that you drifted apart after the break-up for a few fears also bodes well. If exes remain close or have intertwining lives, it is much more likely that intercourse with reignite some nostalgia or feeling that may show confusing.

But once more, i must rain on your own parade right here. All of this logic, as well as Spielmann’s research, is targeted on having a one-night-strand with an ex – without having the extended situation that is no-strings-attached appear to desire. You possessed a relationship that is serious this individual. Those are strings, Pinocchio. While you could see each other more and the fall-out from any complications could be greater as you also seem to have a shared social life in some capacity, the potential for emotional complications is much higher.

Offered that you may be concentrating your power on finding an innovative new individual to possess some causal enjoyable with, somebody who could possibly offer a truly no-strings-attached situation, i need to wonder if you should be being completely truthful with your self , and subconsciously do have an aspire to rekindle one thing along with your ex – away from desire, nostalgia, laziness, and maybe even some lingering resentment, for the reason that you understand this example could wind up hurting her in some manner.

Pick another person for many fun that is casual you’re clearer on your own emotions and hers. Intercourse having an ex could be good. Being a great, thoughtful, considerate and drama-free ex? Better still.

Give attention to that.

Roe McDermott is just a fulbright and writer scholar by having an MA in sex studies from san francisco bay area State University. This woman is researching a PhD in gendered and intimate citizenship at the Open University and Oxford.